How to make her commited to the conversation with you.

What is the one thing that makes a girl committed to an interaction with you?

Do you know?

I will now tell you what I myself just realized a few months ago:

The one thing that makes a total stranger commit to an interaction with you is if you display a genuine and warm vibe. You can successfully open the bitchiest girls if you carry a sincere and warm vibe with bright smile.

Gettin her to commit to the conversation - Showing Commitment Okay so what now, both of you have just introduced yourself and you have the next few minutes to make a good first impression. So what do you say? What should you ask her? Well the most common mistake that most guys do is to think to heavily about what they should say, these f***’s the interaction up for to reason, first the more thinking about what to say the less you will be present in the moment and thus it’s getting harder for you to come across as a natural social guy, second the more you thinking about what to say, the more nervous you’ll become.

So this why I tell most guys, that it doesn’t really matter what they say initially, what matters is firstly that she responds to whatever you said in the first place, and second how you reply to her first response.

Here is the recipe that I naturally follow:

Strive to start the interaction with an open-ended question, followed by silence on your part. You can keep simple its okay to start the conversation with trivial questions like these:

  • You: Where are you from?
  • You: How is your night going?
  • You: What do you thing about my pink hot-pants? Opps, maybe not this last one.

If you have a nag for coming up with more original or creative question I would recommend you do, but it’s not overly important, the goal here (with the first question) is just to make her enter the interaction with you, what is important though is how you reply to her answer on you starting question. To make sure that she answers you first question you can use the simple strategy of shutting up, ask the question – and then keep quit, she won’t like the growing awkward silence and thus silence will motivate her to answer your initial question pretty quickly.

Okay so now she has answered you first question, so now what do you do?

YOU RELATE TO HER ANSWER.. Relate to WHATEVER she said, this is the most important piece of advice I can give you, I you want her to commit to the interaction with you, you have to make her feel that you understand her, and you also have to justify why you are interested in talking to her, and the way to do this is if you relate to her, and do so as quickly as possible.

  • You: Hi I’m Markus.
  • Her: I’m Lucy
  • You: So how’s your night been so far?
  • Her: Fine (said with a bored facial expression, hmm but can you blame her? I just asked her them most unoriginal and boring question)
    You: Mine has been great. I’m out with some new girlfriends that I just met recently. I being around new people, it’s so interesting for me to see how everyone handles different social situations. So how do you guys know each other, to me it looks like you guys go way back?

The here is to relate to her answer as good as possible, if you share something interesting about you self its more likely that you’ll inspire her to do the same. (Read also about the arts of building connection).

To build connection you have to exchange personal experiences including personal emotions. So what you should strive for is to inspire her to share personal stuff about herself, this is primary done showing her that you emotionally can relate to what she tells you.

Also another effective way to encourage her to further sharing is to verbally “reward” her whenever she shares something with you that you find valuable.

Here a example of one way to verbally reward her sharing:

    • Her: bla bla about herself
    • You: I like you, you are bla bla

You can even show her your appreciation for her, even if she is really negative:

  • Her: fuck off..
  • You: Wow princess, I like that you’re feisty. I admire that you speak your mind.

[if she still  look like your bratty little sister]

  • You: Hmm, let me guess, like mother like daughter? [smile] I bet your Dad thought you girls were quite a handful! But I like that, you’re vivid.

You are essentially showing your appreciation and acceptations for the things that she displays, and thus she will start to open her up even further. These techniques of rewarding and showing your appreciation, shut only be utilized whenever you really like something about another person, so do not overdo it, and do it if it’s not genuine.

Rewarding her in this manner, is a very efficient way of active listening, because I make her want to tell more about herself, which is understandable, because think about it would you elaborate further on some personal if the listener were just being quite, most people would be in doubt if the listener were enjoying the listening, but if you actively reward her for spelling her guts, you are continuously ensuring her that what’s she is sharing about herself is of your interest.

Here are a couple of verbal “rewards” for every day conversation:

  • “Absolutely”
  • “That’s interesting”
  • “I never thought about it like that”
  • I want to learn more about that more

These were quite serious examples, but please realize that you way you show you appreciation doesn’t have to be too serious, you can and should play around with it too!

Why does this method work – and how does it differ from what the average guys do?

This works because most people are insecure and want to be accepted, also I think that it is very effective because it so much under the radar, very few does this, and thus she won’t expect you to be so kind to tell her what it is that you like about her.

In practice most guys almost run the girl over with a train of boring and uninteresting question, I guess they are also trying finding something they can relate to. But they are trying to relate the girl based on the fact that she tells, like wow we are from the same town.. Interesting now we have something in common. And that’s now how it works, it’s really hard for two people to relate on the on the fact of their life, opposite it’s very easy to relate on emotions. And what’s you are doing here, finding emotions in common and then later relating on those.

Another pitfall in the common “train of question” techniques (= when the guy try to force the conversation by asking a string of interview-like-question) is that this method of generating conversation really makes a major imbalance in the commitment to the interaction between the girl and the guy. It’s important that you don’t come across as more interested in the conversation than she is, because this will make you seem really needy which is very unattractive to most girls.

Let me show you an example: You approached her (=you showed her interest), she acknowledged your presence and listened to what you had to say (=she showed you interest), so far so good, things are equal. Okay, so you then ask her a question and she answered really quickly whit a very short answer, (without a lot of detail) (=she is now showing less interest in the conversation that you). If you from then of start to ask her more and more question, she will often give you shorter and shorter answers, and soon the conversation will end because you very displaying approval seeking neediness.  What I recommend you to do instead (as explained above), is to ask them as few questions as possible and then relate to the emotion hidden in their answer. In this way you will naturally open you self up, which often will inspire the other person to do the same.

So the key point in this article is to “Stop your train of questions and start relating instead”.

As related reading I would recommend you to read the following article “list of conversation starters

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Hey Markus here, I'm the founder and humble author this website.    

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