What makes a conversation interesting?

This ideas and conversational advice revealed in this article are very important to your overall conversation skills, please pay attention and make notes:

It seems like very few people have ever noticed what I’m about to reveal to you. But the last couple of years I have noticed a huge difference in the way guy and girl make conversation, and especially about what they find interesting. Understanding these differences in the common way that girls talk and guys talk are key when you want to build a relationship with a person of the opposite gender.

Okay enough fluff talk, let get down to it: As I see it there are two main categories of conversation, it’s actually like there is to kinds of conversation. There is conversation that will help you relate to others easily, and then there is conversation that won’t help do this.

The first kind of conversation, is based on the exchange of feelings and emotional experiences, while the second type of conversation, is conversation based on the discussion of intellectual ideas.

All human uses both, but only were few are people are genuinely aware of when they are use one or the other. Nor do most people know when they should be used and what for.

The intellectual (data based) kind of conversation:

This is conversation with purpose of exchanging information between two or more people, this means that sole purpose of the conversation is to pass on the information. And don’t misunderstand me here conversation with this focus is great for a lot of things, it would especially useful in the business world, where  information and data is an important factor. Ist not that these purposes are not legit, but they are not the focus of this website, here we are discussing the art of socializing, especially the skills involved to make somebody like you, and even love you. When the purpose of a conversation is to build a relationship, the verbal exchange information and data does not help.

So what do I mean by information and data:

I mean all information and data about yourself!! Shocking right? What I’m trying to say here is that if you want to build a connection with a new person, talking about how you are, where you live, what you do for a living, what kind of car your drive, and so on does not help building connection. Because this how I see it: when you are talking about intellectual things like these (as most guys tend to do), you are in fact unconsciously trying to connect on an intellectual level; you are essentially trying to make the other person understand your intellectual idea. Grasp exactly where you live or understand your job really is about. But DOES NOT help you build an interpersonal connection or relationship.

In my experience most  guys discuss and explain intellectual ideas with each other, and this is actually great when you just want to have an easy-going conversation with a guy, but if you want to build a connect or start an intimate relationship, this type of conversation are not very appropriate.

If you are not quite sure what im talking about above, fear not conversational examples will follow below.

Here is what you should talk about instead:

The opposite of having an intellectual discussion or conversation, is when you are having an emotional conversation. This is  what you should strive for when talking to girls, girls are emotional creatures and thus they communicate by talking about their emotions. So if you want to have a girl open up to you, you should start to lead the conversation into the topic of hers and your own feelings and emotions.

This is one reason why its a goog idea to focus the conversation on yours and hers feelings. The second and maybe most important reason for this “strategy” is that it’s simply a lot easier to relate to one and another on your feeling in common, compared to trying to relate on fact about your lives. So start sharing your feelings, right now, and other people will tell you if they feel the same!! In relation to this I just want to mention that many so-called dating gurus believe that  there is a direct connection between the amount of feeling a girl has reveled to guy, and how much  she cares for him.

Okay, I know that the last couple of paragraphs above vere a little abstracte, so let me give you a couple of concrete conversational examples and then I think you will see and fully understand what I’m talking about.

Conversational examples:

 Non-connection conversation (making the conversation about the data):

  • Him: Hi my name is Markus, whats your name? (smiling)
  • Her: Hey my name Sandra, great to meet you! (shaking hands)
  • Him: Yeah like wise… so.. are you new around here, I mean I haven’t seen you before.
  • Her: Yes I started here last monday, so its only been 9 days so far. (smiling)
  • Him: Ah okay – I see, I have been here 3 years so far, working long hours upstairs in the marketing department. What department are you in?
  • Her: Hmm okay, I’m working downstairs in the accounting department on second flor.
  • –> awkward silence
  • Him: Well okay it were nice meeting you, maybe I’ll see you around, I hope you’ll be happy working here
  • Her: Thanks, I’ll see you around.

Do you see how this conversation went NOWHERE, why is that? I’ll hope you are screaming out loud: “BECAUSE THEY THE CONVERSATION FOCUSED ON THE “DATA” INSTEAD OF THEIR FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS”, well you are right!!

To underlines this reasoning, im going to give you an examples of how this conversation could have went if he or she had made the conversation about their feelings in common instead. 

 Connecting conversation (making the conversation about their feelings and emotions):

  • Him: Hi my name is Markus, whats your name? (smiling)
  • Her: Hey my name Sandra, great to meet you! (shaking hands)
  • Him: Yeah like wise… so.. are you new around here, I mean I haven’t seen you before.
  • Her: Yes I started here last monday, so its only been 9 days so far. (smiling)
  • Him: Ah okay – I see, I actually remember the time about three years ago when I fist started here, I was so nervous that I felt like it was my fist day at school. Its was terrible but I made it through the first week, and I have actually love since.
  • Her: Hehe yes, I know what mean, I think the worst thing about starting here was trying to figure out how the coffee machines work, they are impossible.
  • Him: Haha your funny, I like that…

this example are not finished yet

notice how the fist example were focused on all the data, while the second example is focused on their feeling. He starts to reveal some feelings he have experience back in the day when he was in a similar situation as she is right now. Here starts to revealed his feelings which lead her to do the same, as a result the conversation gets a lot more personal. If she has experienced some of the same feeling he have just made it easy for them to relate each other.

More examples:

In my experience a lot of people daily makes the mistakes of focusing their conversation on the factual intellectual and idea based stuff, this means that they are missing out on great deal of opportunities for connection.

Here are a few more examples of factual/intellectual conversation:

  • A: Talking about the game last night: especially discussing the numbers of goals, the names of the best players on that team, stats in general, and facts about who is going to play next, which player might scorer next…

Examples of emotional/experience driven conversation:

  • A: Talking about the game last night: talking about how you like being a team player, being part of something bigger than yourself, and the excitement of winning a match/scoring a goal, or maybe the disappointment of not reaching your goal.

Why does sharing your feeling in a conversation makes such a big difference if you want to connect to somebody? I think it’s because feelings are universal, every human have experienced feelings like happiness, grief, anticipations, anger, love, we all  have strong feelings, those are in fact what makes us human, and thus those are what we all have in common and can relate over.

Conversation about dry facts are in my experience not a very good way to try to relate to others, because they don’t really say any thing about you as a person, and thus they are hard to relate on. But conversation about feeling and experiences, as for example about a frustrating experience on your computer are emotional driven, makes the emotions you center of the conversation. I dare you to try it out for yourself, you will experience the change right away. With emotional driven conversation you can connect in minutes, but with intellectual driven conversation you can talk for hours and still haven’t established any personal relationship.

Prep yourself:

Here are a coupe of emotions, if you are new to this way of making conversation, I can be useful to practice emotional conversation by thinking about when were the last time you felt these following basic emotions:

  • Acceptance
  • Anger
  • Anticipation
  • Contempt
  • Courage
  • Desire
  • Despair
  • Disgust
  • Distress
  • Fear
  • Guilt
  • Hate
  • Hope
  • Interest
  • Joy
  • Love
  • Rage
  • Sadness
  • Shame
  • Surprise

 

What makes a conversation interesting?, 5.5 out of 6 based on 56 ratings

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Hey Markus here, I'm the founder and humble author this website.    

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15 Comments

  1. Daryl Gower says:

    Dude great stuff! Definently going to give your advice a shot, and ill let you know what happens.

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    • Markus Ellek says:

      Hey Daryl,
      I’m glad you liked it, let me know who it goes, and if you have any questions I will gladly try to answer them :)

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      • sanosh k.c. says:

        I don’t know how to make conversation about new things

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  2. nguemo sandra says:

    This is simply amazing. I’m a girl but have always so much sucked at conversations that it badly impacted on my life. Annyway the first conversation sample is the story of my life. I’m totally going to dig my teeth in your advice

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  3. Al says:

    I have troubles with my conversations skills, i cant hold a conversation for 5 minutes because i see the other person who started with a lot of entusiasm losing interest so i eject. But now i see the problem, my conversations are exactly like in the first example, i see my mistake, i am share only facts rather than emotions, makes perfect sense.
    I was starting to suspect that too, so i read a book about how to emotional engage people, but it is for writers but it also applies in face to face interactions.
    Here is the name of the book and the author: Writing For Emotional Impact – Karl Iglesias.
    Thank you Markus Ellek,i am going to try this tommorow.

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